Bret Michaels body hates him

Bret Michaels has spent a long time abusing his body (mostly his man parts) partying, singing mostly crappy songs, and most recently banging a bunch of old desperate skank wads on the Rock of Love Whore Bus series.  His body has finally decided to tell him to fuck off.  First his appendix tried to kill him by exploding, when that didn't work his body laid down a pretty major smack down in the form of a brain hemorrhage.  On the bright side, if he pulls through there are still over the hill porn stars, and slutty mom's willing to abandon their kids at a fire station to get their over-used vagina's worked over by normal Bret Michaels, or handicapped Bret Michaels.  If he doesn't make it, it's a shame he wasn't able to find love with one of those lovely ladies.  

Lindsay Lohan....America's Amy Winehouse

There's really not much to say about this.  Except that Amy Winehouse once saved the life of a small child, and all Lindsay does is lead a ridiculous life of hitting things with her car, and showing her vagina to the paparazzi.  So actually Amy Winehouse is classier and more productive.  Ouch.

Doug Reinhardt is trying to destroy his penis, obviously wants to be a woman

Instead of taking Paris Hilton for every dime he could, Doug Reinhardt reportedly went bankrupt trying to impress Paris Hilton. Okay.....so nowhere did it every actually say anything about him being bankrupt, it said that he spent over 2 million dollars on her.  So I did the math, he was a professional baseball player, and not that I ever watch baseball, but I had no clue he was a baseball player, so he must have really sucked considering he is still young and is a former player.  He was in about 5 episodes of the hills.  So by my calculations, he has made about $219.00 total.  Minus the $2 mil he dropped on Paris Hilton's dirty vagina, minus the visits to the doctor for the burning sensation while peeing, minus the herpes medication.  So I'm estimating that he went about $2.5 million in debt to abuse his penis.  Child protective services should probably come take his penis away from him and give to a better home.

Charles Barkley is still an asshole

Even though the Blazers were pretty pathetic last night, I just want to go on record and say that Charles Barkley is still a worthless douche with Mount Everest for an ass. He still looks like Humpty Dumpty with down syndrome.  And he still sucks at life.

Charles Barkley is like Mr Potato head but fatter and more unattractive and a douche-bag

Hey Charles Barkley, nobody in Portland Oregon thinks that you will win at life, mostly because you have already lost.   You are completely underestimating how much Portland loves our Blazers which is pretty retarded considering Portland is pretty famous for it's fans.  Don't talk for us because for one thing you are a waste of space, and your wasting a lot of space because you have a huge ass. You look Mr Potato heads mentally retarded morbidly obese cousin.  Also if I was Taco Bell I would fire your ass, because you look like a big bucket of lard that has been molded into a loose interpretation of what the human body is supposed to look like.  If this is what happens when you eat Taco Bell count me out.   I would like to throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 1962 so I could show your parents what an asshole you turned out to be I mean they obviously know now, but I would like the opportunity to warn them before so they could go buy a pack of condoms. They probably just would have been turned of from sex/baby making period.   VROOM.

Welcome to Portland, home of Greg Oden's penis.

I know, I know, I seem to be obsessed with Greg Oden's enormous wiener.  Greg Oden's Gigantic Penis Is Also Healing Nicely - Greg Oden - Deadspin However to correct you it is not so much of an obsession as it is a fascination.  I mean the camera does add 10 pounds, but also this is a small picture, and I'm too scared to enlarge it.  Plus I'm about as mature as a 15 year old boy so I may slightly exaggerate the size of his penis (I said it was the size of my calf when really it is the size of my forearm) and every time Greg Oden is brought up I can not stop myself from a penis joke.  I'm not capable of such a thing.   Thank you Greg Oden for giving me a new hobby.  I would give you a hug but I don't want to be anywhere near that massive schlong of yours, unless there is a panic button nearby.  

Yep, I'm a big fat douche bag

I have been neglecting my blog......simply because I'm a douchebag, and I'm lazy.