Jesus Christ......just......... Jesus Christ

Here is a picture of Lindsay Lohan http://dlisted.com/node/36434/images/spl164398_004.jpg looking like what I would imagine Wednesday Addams http://timtim.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/07/12/wed.jpg would look like if she lost her shit and went on a 5 day coke bender. At least when Amy Winehouse did this shit she was doing awesome things like saving children and throwing up on people, and Brittany shaved her head and beat the shit out of a car with an umbrella. Lindsay on the other hand….just plain boring. Pathetic.

J-Kwon is missing….I know I don’t care either

I just read that J-Kwon is missing and there is a whole website dedicated to finding him. WTF, I think we should be a little more worried about where Lil Jon is. (Yaay). I haven’t spotted Lil Jon in at least two years, and the Ying Yang twins are also missing. Why don’t they have a website? Skeet skeet mother-fuckers.

Naomi Campbell update

Remember how I said Naomi Campbell will play Mike Tyson punch out on your face…..well it turns out she used to date Mike Tyson…..so that explains a lot.

David Hasselhoff what are you up to??

I wish David Hasselhoff would do something awesome so I could blog about him....I can't wait for his reality TV show.

OMG Jesus answered my prayers and found Lil Jon

Lil Jon is alive….sort of….. He was just spotted partying with Scott Disick (you know the extremely unattractive extremely douchy dude that may or may not have impregnated Kourtney Kardashian). I’m gonna have to assume that he has been holding Lil Jon captive and brainwashing him for quite some time. Lil Jon if you are hanging out with him voluntarily, you’re dead to me now. Scott Disick who are you, and what have you done with the Ying Yang Twins. You are ruining innocent lives, and vaginas. I hate you. Unless you can get Lil Jon to make a new album….I hate you.

Someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye

Chynna Phillips and Billy Baldwin are denying rumors that they are getting a divorce. I had not idea that they were even married so.......basically nobody cares. 

Naomi Campbell will play Mike Tyson punch out with your face

Part of the job description for anyone that Naomi Campbell hires should be human punching bag, because instead of writing her employees up for mistakes made while on the job, it seems like she will just fly off of the handle and beat the f*ck out of you.  Her driver is alleging that she punched him in the face and then proceded to flee the scene of the crime.  Looks like it's gonna be back to picking up garbage for her. 

Katherine Jackson likes to shoot Blanket with a stun gun for entertainment

JUST KIDDING!  According to Katherine this is just a “misunderstanding”, the kids were playing with a stun gun but they were only shooting paper, it was just kids being kids, no need to over react. I mean sure trained law enforcement officers use a taser gun as a last resort before actually using deadly force, but I’m sure her kids are very mature for their age so I’m sure that there is a perfectly logical explanation for them playing with a stun gun. LA Children and Family services are currently investigating the incident, and also have confiscated the stun gun…..party poopers.

Lindsay Lohan must be high on life....and by life I mean crack cocaine

Lindsay Lohan must still be smoking crack because she thinks that writing a book about her life is a good idea. So she is obviously delusional.  First of all I’m pretty sure that writing a book about her life will implicate her in several crimes, such as hit and run, theft, and possible some felony drug charges…oh and let’s not forget domestic violence and stalking and breaking and entering, and aside from that I am not confident that Lindsay Lohan even knows how to write. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is not a great idea Lindsay.  I think your best career move at this point would be to dial up Dr. Drew and try to get on Celebrity Rehab, but that is just my opinion. 

Katie Holmes is getting her robot uterus ready for another alien baby

Katie Holmes is getting some weird procedure done at the scientology center for crazy people because Tom Cruise turned her into a robot and she has to do whatever he programs her to do. She’s like a real live walking talking blow up doll.  On a sidenote, Suri is really adorable, so even though she is most likely an alien, I'm cool with her.  I hope she has some really awesome super power that she can use to beat Maddox's little ninja ass. 

Real Housewife Kim Zolciak is a lesbo

Kim Zolciak the disgusting wig wearing chain-smoking gold digging pig, (remember she is the one that wanted a record deal but sounded like an animal that was being tortured when she tried to sing) from the completely trashy Atlanta Housewives cast is so desperate to be famous that she is pretending to be a lesbian this season, and sucking all of the money out of some really rich and famous lady DJ......ummmm...that is so last year...Lindsay Lohan already cornered the crazy fake lesbian psycho market, and she even went the extra mile and became a crack whore so you are gonna have to try a little harder, this is just pathetic.

Kate Gosslins kids should just emanicpate themselves or get an ape to take care of them

Kate Gosslin is gonna spend her time dancing on dancing with the stars instead of taking care of the 20 f~ing kids that she decided to have with that douchebag Jon Gosslin. (sidenote: I don't know how to spell their last name, and I don't care).  So basically I hope that she just leaves the kids at home alone because even being usupervised is a better options then leaving them in the care of the dumbass Jon. In fact I think these kids would have a better chance of becoming productive members of society if they just got emancipated and started taking care of themselves.   

You can bedazzle your vagina now.....Suh-weet

I don't know if I even need to add anything to the statement you can bedazzle your vagina.  Ladies now you can light up the run way on that landing strip. Classy.

Really homeless guy......go f*ck yourself

When I woke up this morning I did feel like P. Diddy, and then I went to Whole Foods to get my delicious Kombucha ( a tasty little drink that has over a billion live organisms in it...mmmm....mmmm good).  There is this little old homeless guy that is normally a permanent fixture outside of Whole Foods, and generally I am not a big fan of homeless people, but this guy doesn't bother anyone he just sits there and if you give him money he is appreciative and if you don't you don't.  He doesn't even ask for money.  I have gotten to know this guy and he is a vet who fought for our country and now is just not a functioning member of society.  It's really kind of sad that this is what his life has come to.  So every Tuesday and Thursday I buy him breakfast.  So last week this new bum starts hanging around.  Old bum, harmless old and frail, new bum, looks like Rick Fox.  So the old bum was scared because the new bum wanted to take over his corner (sadly I have been buying the old bum breakfast for about 6 months now and I just realized I don't have a clue what his name is).  So now the new Rick Fox bum has chased the old bum away.  New Rick Fox bum has alot of nerve.  So I get to Whole Foods today, and he actually tells me to go to The Mezz (the coffee shop above Whole Foods).  Excuse me, no.  So I ignore him and go get my Kombucha, and then I come out and Rick Fox bum goes, "Can I at least have some change" with total attitude.  I continue to ignore him and then he gets really bold and says "Oh so you can carry around a Louis Vuitton bag and drive a fancy car but you can't even give me some change rich bitch".......seriously dude, guess what I have this thing called a JOB, so you should either try that or you should go fuck yourself.  I would like to sit around on my fat lazy ass and have people pay for all of my shit too, but guess what the world just doesn't work that way.  I realized a long time ago that I would need a real job to afford the kind of lifestyle that I want.  I really wanted to kick that bums ass but he was seriously like 6'6 and probably had a good 150 on me.  Also while I'm on the subject Mr. Rick Fox bum, let me tell you why I have a problem with you other than your piss poor attitude.  I do not believe that you are a bum.  Your hair was gelled, you were wearing decent clothes, you are very clean, and I snuck a peak at your kicks, and those Nikes that you are sporting look a little too white.  If you really want people to feel sorry for you, maybe you should not fix your hair in the morning, go to the Salvation Army for some more raggity clothes, take of those bright white kicks and not shower for a few days. Oh ya...and put your attitude in check....  From now on I am only giving stuff to my favorite bum if he returns, or if I really want to know that I am actually doing something for the homeless and not just paying some lazy fuckers mortgage, I will donate to a charity where I actually know that my money is going to help actual homeless people and not scam artists.  And on a sidenote to all of the scam artists who pretend to be homeless.....seriously where is your pride you lazy bastards.  Karma is a bitch I hope all of you posers actually do end up homeless so you can see how shitty it is.

Thanks for nothing India.....

Do you know what would be really super.....if you are gonna outsource your customer service and tech support to India, it would be fucking fantastic if you would at least make sure that they knew what they were talking about.  Since from here in America when I am routed to India to ask a simple question, I am already at the disadvantage of having to A) understand what the hell they are saying through the ridiculously thick accents, and B) try to ignore the echo in the background caused by the shitty phone connection.  I have no problem with people from India, I really don't, it's just that I would appreciate being able to have a clear understanding of what I am being told.  I just spent hours over a couple of days trying to have someone from India fix my anti-virus, and guess what, it was a big f~ing waste of my time.  I ended up fixing it myself after realizing that your "tech support" was a big sham.  So I'm not naming any names anti-virus software company that rhymes with Horton's, but just so you know, I too would like to only pay my customer service associates .25 cents an hour.  That would be great and it would probably save me an assload of money, however I don't do that because I don't want my customers to feel like trying to drown themselves in their Starbucks latte after calling in with a simple question.  So in conclusion, can you please at least make sure your tech support people have actually used a computer, and then teach them some of the common known issues with your product.  That would be great.  Oh and PS....when your so called "tech support" does nothing to fix my issue, please refrain from having them send me like 19 surveys to fill out on how their service was.....cause it SUCKED.

J-Wowws huge boobs are making it impossible for her to think realistically

Jenni 'J-Woww' from Jersey Shore wants Kim Kardashian to be on season 2 of Jersey Shore.  Okay, so I think everyone knows that I have a place in my heart for people so douchy that they become awesome, (some examples of this would be: Aaron Carter, David Hasselhoff and the entire cast of Jersey Shores), but let's just come back to planet earth J-Woww.  Move your giant knockers out of the way so you can see the TV and just watch season 1 of Jersey Shore.  I really don't foresee Kim K in your future.  A more realistic person who might want to come hang with you crazy bastards....Tila Tequila (as in I would need several shots of tequila (or a ruphelin)  to overlook the fact that she is  most likely a walking talking STD just waiting to destroy any vagina/penis and life that will look her way).....or if you want someone awesome, and (way) less gross I am available.  Also just so that you know.....you guys are way to awesome for Tila Tequila....so I hope you don't get sucked into her venus fly trap of a vagina. 

I'm after revenge...sweet sweet revenge.....

This post is basically just a warning to the spider that bit me while I was sleeping last night.  It was completely rude and unacceptable that you would bite me when you are living in MY house, paying no rent, sleeping in my bed, and invading my space.  When I didn't realize that you were there, things were fine.  However, now that you have decided to violently attack me, I have no choice but to retaliate.  You better call in some reinforcements because I will hunt you down and kill you.  If I am successful at locating your whereabouts, even if you beg for your life, the assualt I launch on you will be merciless.  My methods of assault will include but not be limited to the following: drowning via the washer and dryer, smashing via tiolet paper followed by drowning via the tiolet, or a terrible beating with the nearest shoe.  If you should escape with your life please vacate my home immediately and do not come back.  Thanks....