If you are curious about Chelsea's sex life you should buy her book

Radar online is sticking to their guns. If you are curios about Chelseas's sex lif you should buy her book "My Horizontal Life" she not shy about anything.  It's worth the read.  I'm pretty sure no one knows more about Chelsea's sex life than her.

Mistress #2 wouldn't have allowed penetration if she knew about the kid

Jesse James's Mistress # 2 says she wouldn't have slept with him if she knew about the adoption.  Wow, you should get the humanitarian of the year award.  So him having a wife wasn't a deterrant you dumb bimbo?  I'm not buying it.

Leo DiCaprio might be feeling itchy soon

Paris Hilton was spotted partying with Leo DiCaprio, and I'm not saying that Paris Hilton has herpes (even though she didn't pay her storage bill and the contents were auctioned off, and this was one of them: http://thegossiper.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a5b83330970c0120a64b02b0970c-500wi ) and I'm also not saying that they had sex.  But hypothetically if they did have sex, I bet he has herpes now too.  Hypothetically.

Katie Holmes is still alive and being controlled by a nintendo controller

Tom Cruise is allowing his robot Katie Holmes to act again....in a History Channel mini-series.  She will be playing Jackie Kennedy which I actually think is a good fit for her.  Hopefully someone there will help her escape  from that maniac Tom Cruise.  It might be a lost cause because I am convinced that he put her under anesthesia and removed her brain, replacing it with a computer motherboard that he controls.

Bret Michaels is planning a comeback tour

Bret Michaels is already making plans to get back on stage.  You can't keep a good man down.  He's also probably stoked about all of the sympathy poon he will get.  bom-chick-a-bow-bow.   Also I don't know if this picture is real, but it makes me think he has fake hair attached to his bandanna.  And that he could be a woman if he wanted.to.

Chelsea Handler responds to sex tape rumors with a verbal bitch slap

Everyone who knows me, knows I have a real problem for anyone that messes with Chelsea Handler-Lately.  Well, the idiots at Radar Online are trying to threaten Chelsea with the release of a sex tape.  The only problem with this is the face that the tape was made as a joke and has been on her audition tapes.  In an even stupider move they basically tried to blackmail Chelsea, offering to sell her own audition tape back to her for 1 million dollars.  I would like to know who the genius at radar online is who found a comedians audition tape and took it seriously. I will go out on a limb and say that person has probably never had sex in their adult life, unless you count the sex they have had with their own hand. Here is a link to Chelsea giving radar online the verbal bitch-slap: Chelsea's message to Radar Online  As a side note to Michelle Bombshell who has had a lot to say about Chelsea, you have probably made dozens of sex tapes which are not even close to being worth a million dollars so go stick another penis in your mouth you filthy whore.  

Gavin Rossdale stuck his penis in Courtney Love's hole of death

Courtney Love is pathetic and has no relevance so she has come out to the press saying that she used to get boned by Gavin Rossdale while he was with Gwen Stefani.  Which is weird because Courtney love is like a less attractive, less cool, less talented, more cracked out, dead corpse looking version of Gwen Stefani. It's like Gavin Rossdale decided, you know what I love gagging during sex, I'm gonna hit that shit.

Kate Gosselin shows off her abs via cameltoe vision

Kate Gosselin showed off her DWTS abs and camel-toe today.  I mean she probably has her pants hiked up to her neck because she only wants to show off the upper part of her abs which everyone knows is much easier to shape up than the lower abs. So when faced with a choice of spare-tire or camel-toe, she went with camel-toe.  Her poor vagina has been through so much abuse between the like 10 kids, and the fake penetration from Jon's tiny penis.  I feel like maybe she should give it a break.

George Castanza's face is so fat it's affecting his vision

Jason Alexander is turning into such a fat turd that it is causing his face to swell and his eyes to become small slits.  Which caused him to run over a 14 year old on a bike.  Somebody needs to get a little more serious about Jenny Craig.

Bret Michaels gives Death a big F~you

Bret Michaels is now stable after his brain hemorrhage.  Which doesn't surprise me given that I am fairly certain I know how he achieved the worlds strongest immune system http://ludicrous-lowdown.blogspot.com/2010/04/bret-michaels-stds-will-shoot-you-in.html I am beginning to think he is the human version of a cockroach and cannot be killed which is great because I honestly do now know what this world will do without Bret Michaels, and his beautiful hair extensions. A team of "world class neurologists" are treating Bret Michaels, so I can only take this to mean that he will have to sign on for at least three more seasons of that train wreck of a show "Rock of Love" slut bus.  They should have all of the mistresses from the Tiger Woods and Jesse James sex scandals as contestants. And then they should blow up the building at the reunion show so we never have to see any of them again.  Don't worry though, Bret Michaels will miraculously survive.

Jesse James should have gross sex with Daisy De La Hoya

What is the best way to keep your squeaky clean non-racist image when the world finds out your husband is a Nazi sympathizer (allegedly) who was banging the crap out of another Nazi Sympathizer (allegedly).  Secretly adopt a black child.  This was pretty ninja like of Sandra Bullock considering that no one really had a clue that she was in the process of adopting a child.  Jesse James: Here's a hint:  Next time you decide to cheat on your wife with a parade of skanks, you should make sure that you are richer, more attractive, and more popular than your wife.  I would suggest marrying a woman with low self esteem, and maybe someone that is not very smart.  Like Daisy De La Hoya. She's too stupid to know that you not supposed to have sex with other people when your married, I would wager that she would be too stupid to even know you were married.  It would basically be like having a human blow up doll.   

Bret Michaels doesn't need his brain to work to get gross ass

I would like to go on record and say that I completely disagree with Donald Trump's statement that Bret Michaels is in "Big, big trouble".  Yes his brain is giving up on him, but he doesn't really need his brain to completely function. The only thing that Bret Michael's needs is a working penis, and that beautiful singing voice of his.  The real problem is Tiger Woods.  Bret Michael's used to be the Michael Phelps of pounding gross vag, and then Tiger started to creep in there.  Tiger Woods, I'd like to see you sing "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" over and over for twenty five years, each time making the intoxicated woman who hasn't seen a penis in hours think that she is the only one you have serenaded. Have you ever had a woman barfing up tequila and dorito's pull her head out of the toilet to make out with you?  I highly doubt it, you need to back off pretty boy.   

Tito Ortiz hits Jenna Jamison in the face with his penis and his fists

Jenna Jamison got her ass beat and it wasn't by a set of gigantic balls like usual.  You know what a really good cure for drug addiction is.  Getting your ass beat.  Just ask Tito Ortiz.  Dr. Drew I hope your taking notes.  In Tito's defense, he has been hitting her in the face with his penis with no complaints, so it's probably really confusing to him that this is resulting in legal problems.

Heidi's plastic surgeon should recall her face.

I am considering taking back my earlier request for Heidi Montag to try and recycle her plastic self.  While I am still fairly certain that her only actual talent was giving blow-jobs (which has obviously been ruined now that it is physically and scientifically impossible for her to move her face) while watching a clip for the final season of The Hills (thank you Hey-sues) I found watching Heidi attempt to cry to be pretty hilarious and almost worth keeping her around for.  Heidi's mangled face attempting to cry .  Just kidding, it's totally not worth keeping her around for, but it is worth watching.

Jesse James's Nazi Penis is out of rehab

Jesse James is fresh out of rehab with baby Hitler (my pet name for his penis) and they are on the prowl.  Now just to clarify, Jesse James did state that he was only posing for a photo dressed like Hitler in Nazi attire because it was a funny joke for his Jewish Godfather.  Which totally makes sense because if there is one thing that Jewish people find hilarious, it is Hitler, and the Holocaust.  Also banging all those chicks was just a funny joke for his wives anniversary.  Because if there is one thing that wives find hilarious, it is banging other chicks behind their backs.  

Jason Shaw wants to see what a really used up vagina feel liks

Jason Shaw was spotted with X-girlfriend Paris Hilton.  So, I'm guessing he either really really wants herpes and this is the only way he can be 100% sure to make that dream happen, or he wants to see if he can achieve penetration without actually being able to feel anything.  Either way, he is a winner and a loser.  So congratulation on that. You should feel like you are shooting flames out of you penis in no time.  And no, that does not make you a super-hero.

Bret Michaels STD's will shoot you in the face if you look at him wrong

I am convinced that Bret Michaels STD's have created the worlds strongest immune system.  He is making a "miraculous" recovery from a brain hemorrhage, immediately after an emergency surgery to remove his appendix, which happened 3 days after he was released from a diabetic recovery facility.  So basically his STD's refuse to allow him to die because they need his shell of a body, D-list celebrity, and penis that is willing to go anywhere and penetrate anything. Trust me....I'm a doctor.

Michael Douglas used to bang his mom's friends

  Michael Douglas recently admitted that around age 16 he used to sock it to his mom's friends.  Sooo....that's about it.  Me love you long time.

Bret Michaels body hates him

Bret Michaels has spent a long time abusing his body (mostly his man parts) partying, singing mostly crappy songs, and most recently banging a bunch of old desperate skank wads on the Rock of Love Whore Bus series.  His body has finally decided to tell him to fuck off.  First his appendix tried to kill him by exploding, when that didn't work his body laid down a pretty major smack down in the form of a brain hemorrhage.  On the bright side, if he pulls through there are still over the hill porn stars, and slutty mom's willing to abandon their kids at a fire station to get their over-used vagina's worked over by normal Bret Michaels, or handicapped Bret Michaels.  If he doesn't make it, it's a shame he wasn't able to find love with one of those lovely ladies.  

Lindsay Lohan....America's Amy Winehouse

There's really not much to say about this.  Except that Amy Winehouse once saved the life of a small child, and all Lindsay does is lead a ridiculous life of hitting things with her car, and showing her vagina to the paparazzi.  So actually Amy Winehouse is classier and more productive.  Ouch.

Doug Reinhardt is trying to destroy his penis, obviously wants to be a woman

Instead of taking Paris Hilton for every dime he could, Doug Reinhardt reportedly went bankrupt trying to impress Paris Hilton. Okay.....so nowhere did it every actually say anything about him being bankrupt, it said that he spent over 2 million dollars on her.  So I did the math, he was a professional baseball player, and not that I ever watch baseball, but I had no clue he was a baseball player, so he must have really sucked considering he is still young and is a former player.  He was in about 5 episodes of the hills.  So by my calculations, he has made about $219.00 total.  Minus the $2 mil he dropped on Paris Hilton's dirty vagina, minus the visits to the doctor for the burning sensation while peeing, minus the herpes medication.  So I'm estimating that he went about $2.5 million in debt to abuse his penis.  Child protective services should probably come take his penis away from him and give to a better home.

Charles Barkley is still an asshole

Even though the Blazers were pretty pathetic last night, I just want to go on record and say that Charles Barkley is still a worthless douche with Mount Everest for an ass. He still looks like Humpty Dumpty with down syndrome.  And he still sucks at life.

Charles Barkley is like Mr Potato head but fatter and more unattractive and a douche-bag

Hey Charles Barkley, nobody in Portland Oregon thinks that you will win at life, mostly because you have already lost.   You are completely underestimating how much Portland loves our Blazers which is pretty retarded considering Portland is pretty famous for it's fans.  Don't talk for us because for one thing you are a waste of space, and your wasting a lot of space because you have a huge ass. You look Mr Potato heads mentally retarded morbidly obese cousin.  Also if I was Taco Bell I would fire your ass, because you look like a big bucket of lard that has been molded into a loose interpretation of what the human body is supposed to look like.  If this is what happens when you eat Taco Bell count me out.   I would like to throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 1962 so I could show your parents what an asshole you turned out to be I mean they obviously know now, but I would like the opportunity to warn them before so they could go buy a pack of condoms. They probably just would have been turned of from sex/baby making period.   VROOM.

Welcome to Portland, home of Greg Oden's penis.

I know, I know, I seem to be obsessed with Greg Oden's enormous wiener.  Greg Oden's Gigantic Penis Is Also Healing Nicely - Greg Oden - Deadspin However to correct you it is not so much of an obsession as it is a fascination.  I mean the camera does add 10 pounds, but also this is a small picture, and I'm too scared to enlarge it.  Plus I'm about as mature as a 15 year old boy so I may slightly exaggerate the size of his penis (I said it was the size of my calf when really it is the size of my forearm) and every time Greg Oden is brought up I can not stop myself from a penis joke.  I'm not capable of such a thing.   Thank you Greg Oden for giving me a new hobby.  I would give you a hug but I don't want to be anywhere near that massive schlong of yours, unless there is a panic button nearby.  

Yep, I'm a big fat douche bag

I have been neglecting my blog......simply because I'm a douchebag, and I'm lazy.