Move over Dina Lohan there is a new crappy mom in town and she ain't playin around.

In an attempt to be the most embarrasing and whorry celebrity mom ever, Justin Beiber's mom is allegedly entertaining an offer to pose in playboy.  That's the spirit.  If you keep heading in the right direction Justin Beiber will be flashing his vagina to the papparazzi and having a Britney style melt down in no time.

Nicole Richie should really try to have more attractive babies

I was reading about how Nicole Richie's DUI probation got extended when I noticed that her baby is not attractive, and is a little overweight (alledgedly).  Someone needs to get this baby on a treadmill and to Dr. 90210 STAT.

Michael Jackson was probably killed by Chris Hansen

It's been a year since Michael Jackson died and we still haven't seemed to have found a replacement molester.  Probably because Chris Hansen is scaring the shit out of all of them.  I know.....inappropriate.....but go Dateline!

Robert Pattinson is grossing me out

Today I saw a preview for whatever the hell Twilight movie they are on now, and it was Robert Pattinson without his T-shirt on, and it almost made me vomit.  I really don't understand what is so attractive about a skinny extremely pale man who looks like he has hepatitus.  Can't we just find a happy medium between Jersey Shore Orange, and Hi I have a terminal illness white?  PS: When you add glitter it just makes this situation grosser.  PPS: The preview I saw did not contained the airbrushed in abs. 

Katherine Jackson is about as broke and Lindsay Lohan is sober....whatever that means :)

Speaking of Michael Jackson apparently his mom is broke as a joke.........I guess that $753 MILLION DOLLARS that dead MJ's estate made wasn't enough to keep her financially stable.  WTF-ever. The only way I would find this even remotely believable is if I found out Joe Jackson killed Katherine Jackson and was dressing up as her and pretending to be broke to try and hoard more money.  Which is completely logical and believable.  

Shawn Johnson update...ok not an update b/c this is the first time I've written about her

I guess Shawn Johnson is criticising Alabama police because they pulled over her stalker who told them he was on his way to "see Shawn Johnson and get her to marry him" or something like that (don't take my quotation marks too seriously here).  So she is mad that they didn't detain him after that. 
A) Clearly you missed the "Alabama" part, you are lucky they figured out how to turn on the lights and sirens.
 
B) Nobody really knows who you are you chubby little bastard, just a news flash, you aren't Oprah.

And C) I didn't read the entire story so there may have been more clues that would have led to an arrest but this happened in Alabama so what do you really expect.

Miley Cyrus wants to out herpe Paris Hilton

Miley Cyrus has(allegedly) been running around like a $2 hooker flashing her underage vagina to anyone that will look.  So I'm guessing that this is her way of challenging Paris Hilton to a whore duel. May the biggest slut win.

Amanda Bynes retires.....no one cares

No one even knows who Amanda Bynes is really but apparently she likes black dudes and is retiring.  I was wondering if the following people could follow her lead and also retire: 

1. Kristin Stewart:  I'm tired of you whining about how hard it is to be famous.  You have got to be the shittiest actress I have personally seen on screen.  If being famous is "like being raped" I hope you get gang raped by some talent and a decent personality soon because I can't handle much more of you. 

2.  Hiedi Montag:  Speaking of people with no personalities, you are basically an extremely sophisticated form of a blow up doll.  Take your giant bowling ball boobs and scram. (Spencer, you can stay because you are completely ridiculous to the point where it's hilarious)

3.  Lindsay Lohan:  I was ok with watching you try to convince the world that you are high on life and nothing else, until you single handedly (not a fact just my assumption FYI) managed to get Kombucha banned in the United States.  Good job dumb-ass.  You don't really have a career to retire from, but you still won't go away for some reason.

4.  Megan Fox:  You are at least good looking but I'm tired of listening to you talk.  Go spend a night with Joran Van Der Sloot. 

Stinky McPoopants.

I just want to introduce the newest writer on my blog.  Check out his profile ladies because he just became single and available.  He is a 42 year old unemployed (unless you consider writing on this crappy blog a job) ex male model (he modeled as the "after" photo in the faces of meth campaign.)  He owns a double wide trailer with an above ground pool and faux wood paneling, enjoys watching fishing and hunting shows all day long on his big screen television (yes you read that right, big screen television), collecting broke down cars, and wearing camo.  He loves a woman who will wear "clitter" ( glitter for the........I'll let you figure that one out), and go to the all you can eat buffet with him.  I am proud to have snagged him as a writer on my blog.

Dear Germany....when it comes to finding a mega-star......NAILED IT

Meet Dale Dutes

Dale Dutes.  29 years old, currently resides  Glory Glass Mobile Home Estates with his mother.  Dale (named after Dale Earnhardt) is a mama's boy who never quite made it out of the nest.  Dale enjoys hanging out with his mom while she chain smokes and taking care of his cat Delores, which his brothers (who each have mobile homes of their own in the park) refer to as "clitoris" to upset him.  His usual attire of choice is the perfectly good wool sweater that his gran-mama found in the dumpster a few years back, but he can occasionally be found wearing his elastic ankle sweatpants velcro sneakers and fanny pack when he is in a "sporty" mood or getting pumped up to watch NASCAR with Delores (clitoris).  

If you are curious about Chelsea's sex life you should buy her book

Radar online is sticking to their guns. If you are curios about Chelseas's sex lif you should buy her book "My Horizontal Life" she not shy about anything.  It's worth the read.  I'm pretty sure no one knows more about Chelsea's sex life than her.

Mistress #2 wouldn't have allowed penetration if she knew about the kid

Jesse James's Mistress # 2 says she wouldn't have slept with him if she knew about the adoption.  Wow, you should get the humanitarian of the year award.  So him having a wife wasn't a deterrant you dumb bimbo?  I'm not buying it.

Leo DiCaprio might be feeling itchy soon

Paris Hilton was spotted partying with Leo DiCaprio, and I'm not saying that Paris Hilton has herpes (even though she didn't pay her storage bill and the contents were auctioned off, and this was one of them: http://thegossiper.typepad.com/.a/6a0120a5b83330970c0120a64b02b0970c-500wi ) and I'm also not saying that they had sex.  But hypothetically if they did have sex, I bet he has herpes now too.  Hypothetically.

Katie Holmes is still alive and being controlled by a nintendo controller

Tom Cruise is allowing his robot Katie Holmes to act again....in a History Channel mini-series.  She will be playing Jackie Kennedy which I actually think is a good fit for her.  Hopefully someone there will help her escape  from that maniac Tom Cruise.  It might be a lost cause because I am convinced that he put her under anesthesia and removed her brain, replacing it with a computer motherboard that he controls.

Bret Michaels is planning a comeback tour

Bret Michaels is already making plans to get back on stage.  You can't keep a good man down.  He's also probably stoked about all of the sympathy poon he will get.  bom-chick-a-bow-bow.   Also I don't know if this picture is real, but it makes me think he has fake hair attached to his bandanna.  And that he could be a woman if he wanted.to.

Chelsea Handler responds to sex tape rumors with a verbal bitch slap

Everyone who knows me, knows I have a real problem for anyone that messes with Chelsea Handler-Lately.  Well, the idiots at Radar Online are trying to threaten Chelsea with the release of a sex tape.  The only problem with this is the face that the tape was made as a joke and has been on her audition tapes.  In an even stupider move they basically tried to blackmail Chelsea, offering to sell her own audition tape back to her for 1 million dollars.  I would like to know who the genius at radar online is who found a comedians audition tape and took it seriously. I will go out on a limb and say that person has probably never had sex in their adult life, unless you count the sex they have had with their own hand. Here is a link to Chelsea giving radar online the verbal bitch-slap: Chelsea's message to Radar Online  As a side note to Michelle Bombshell who has had a lot to say about Chelsea, you have probably made dozens of sex tapes which are not even close to being worth a million dollars so go stick another penis in your mouth you filthy whore.  

Gavin Rossdale stuck his penis in Courtney Love's hole of death

Courtney Love is pathetic and has no relevance so she has come out to the press saying that she used to get boned by Gavin Rossdale while he was with Gwen Stefani.  Which is weird because Courtney love is like a less attractive, less cool, less talented, more cracked out, dead corpse looking version of Gwen Stefani. It's like Gavin Rossdale decided, you know what I love gagging during sex, I'm gonna hit that shit.

Kate Gosselin shows off her abs via cameltoe vision

Kate Gosselin showed off her DWTS abs and camel-toe today.  I mean she probably has her pants hiked up to her neck because she only wants to show off the upper part of her abs which everyone knows is much easier to shape up than the lower abs. So when faced with a choice of spare-tire or camel-toe, she went with camel-toe.  Her poor vagina has been through so much abuse between the like 10 kids, and the fake penetration from Jon's tiny penis.  I feel like maybe she should give it a break.

George Castanza's face is so fat it's affecting his vision

Jason Alexander is turning into such a fat turd that it is causing his face to swell and his eyes to become small slits.  Which caused him to run over a 14 year old on a bike.  Somebody needs to get a little more serious about Jenny Craig.

Bret Michaels gives Death a big F~you

Bret Michaels is now stable after his brain hemorrhage.  Which doesn't surprise me given that I am fairly certain I know how he achieved the worlds strongest immune system http://ludicrous-lowdown.blogspot.com/2010/04/bret-michaels-stds-will-shoot-you-in.html I am beginning to think he is the human version of a cockroach and cannot be killed which is great because I honestly do now know what this world will do without Bret Michaels, and his beautiful hair extensions. A team of "world class neurologists" are treating Bret Michaels, so I can only take this to mean that he will have to sign on for at least three more seasons of that train wreck of a show "Rock of Love" slut bus.  They should have all of the mistresses from the Tiger Woods and Jesse James sex scandals as contestants. And then they should blow up the building at the reunion show so we never have to see any of them again.  Don't worry though, Bret Michaels will miraculously survive.

Jesse James should have gross sex with Daisy De La Hoya

What is the best way to keep your squeaky clean non-racist image when the world finds out your husband is a Nazi sympathizer (allegedly) who was banging the crap out of another Nazi Sympathizer (allegedly).  Secretly adopt a black child.  This was pretty ninja like of Sandra Bullock considering that no one really had a clue that she was in the process of adopting a child.  Jesse James: Here's a hint:  Next time you decide to cheat on your wife with a parade of skanks, you should make sure that you are richer, more attractive, and more popular than your wife.  I would suggest marrying a woman with low self esteem, and maybe someone that is not very smart.  Like Daisy De La Hoya. She's too stupid to know that you not supposed to have sex with other people when your married, I would wager that she would be too stupid to even know you were married.  It would basically be like having a human blow up doll.   

Bret Michaels doesn't need his brain to work to get gross ass

I would like to go on record and say that I completely disagree with Donald Trump's statement that Bret Michaels is in "Big, big trouble".  Yes his brain is giving up on him, but he doesn't really need his brain to completely function. The only thing that Bret Michael's needs is a working penis, and that beautiful singing voice of his.  The real problem is Tiger Woods.  Bret Michael's used to be the Michael Phelps of pounding gross vag, and then Tiger started to creep in there.  Tiger Woods, I'd like to see you sing "Every Rose Has it's Thorn" over and over for twenty five years, each time making the intoxicated woman who hasn't seen a penis in hours think that she is the only one you have serenaded. Have you ever had a woman barfing up tequila and dorito's pull her head out of the toilet to make out with you?  I highly doubt it, you need to back off pretty boy.   

Tito Ortiz hits Jenna Jamison in the face with his penis and his fists

Jenna Jamison got her ass beat and it wasn't by a set of gigantic balls like usual.  You know what a really good cure for drug addiction is.  Getting your ass beat.  Just ask Tito Ortiz.  Dr. Drew I hope your taking notes.  In Tito's defense, he has been hitting her in the face with his penis with no complaints, so it's probably really confusing to him that this is resulting in legal problems.

Heidi's plastic surgeon should recall her face.

I am considering taking back my earlier request for Heidi Montag to try and recycle her plastic self.  While I am still fairly certain that her only actual talent was giving blow-jobs (which has obviously been ruined now that it is physically and scientifically impossible for her to move her face) while watching a clip for the final season of The Hills (thank you Hey-sues) I found watching Heidi attempt to cry to be pretty hilarious and almost worth keeping her around for.  Heidi's mangled face attempting to cry .  Just kidding, it's totally not worth keeping her around for, but it is worth watching.

Jesse James's Nazi Penis is out of rehab

Jesse James is fresh out of rehab with baby Hitler (my pet name for his penis) and they are on the prowl.  Now just to clarify, Jesse James did state that he was only posing for a photo dressed like Hitler in Nazi attire because it was a funny joke for his Jewish Godfather.  Which totally makes sense because if there is one thing that Jewish people find hilarious, it is Hitler, and the Holocaust.  Also banging all those chicks was just a funny joke for his wives anniversary.  Because if there is one thing that wives find hilarious, it is banging other chicks behind their backs.  

Jason Shaw wants to see what a really used up vagina feel liks

Jason Shaw was spotted with X-girlfriend Paris Hilton.  So, I'm guessing he either really really wants herpes and this is the only way he can be 100% sure to make that dream happen, or he wants to see if he can achieve penetration without actually being able to feel anything.  Either way, he is a winner and a loser.  So congratulation on that. You should feel like you are shooting flames out of you penis in no time.  And no, that does not make you a super-hero.

Bret Michaels STD's will shoot you in the face if you look at him wrong

I am convinced that Bret Michaels STD's have created the worlds strongest immune system.  He is making a "miraculous" recovery from a brain hemorrhage, immediately after an emergency surgery to remove his appendix, which happened 3 days after he was released from a diabetic recovery facility.  So basically his STD's refuse to allow him to die because they need his shell of a body, D-list celebrity, and penis that is willing to go anywhere and penetrate anything. Trust me....I'm a doctor.

Michael Douglas used to bang his mom's friends

  Michael Douglas recently admitted that around age 16 he used to sock it to his mom's friends.  Sooo....that's about it.  Me love you long time.

Bret Michaels body hates him

Bret Michaels has spent a long time abusing his body (mostly his man parts) partying, singing mostly crappy songs, and most recently banging a bunch of old desperate skank wads on the Rock of Love Whore Bus series.  His body has finally decided to tell him to fuck off.  First his appendix tried to kill him by exploding, when that didn't work his body laid down a pretty major smack down in the form of a brain hemorrhage.  On the bright side, if he pulls through there are still over the hill porn stars, and slutty mom's willing to abandon their kids at a fire station to get their over-used vagina's worked over by normal Bret Michaels, or handicapped Bret Michaels.  If he doesn't make it, it's a shame he wasn't able to find love with one of those lovely ladies.  

Lindsay Lohan....America's Amy Winehouse

There's really not much to say about this.  Except that Amy Winehouse once saved the life of a small child, and all Lindsay does is lead a ridiculous life of hitting things with her car, and showing her vagina to the paparazzi.  So actually Amy Winehouse is classier and more productive.  Ouch.

Doug Reinhardt is trying to destroy his penis, obviously wants to be a woman

Instead of taking Paris Hilton for every dime he could, Doug Reinhardt reportedly went bankrupt trying to impress Paris Hilton. Okay.....so nowhere did it every actually say anything about him being bankrupt, it said that he spent over 2 million dollars on her.  So I did the math, he was a professional baseball player, and not that I ever watch baseball, but I had no clue he was a baseball player, so he must have really sucked considering he is still young and is a former player.  He was in about 5 episodes of the hills.  So by my calculations, he has made about $219.00 total.  Minus the $2 mil he dropped on Paris Hilton's dirty vagina, minus the visits to the doctor for the burning sensation while peeing, minus the herpes medication.  So I'm estimating that he went about $2.5 million in debt to abuse his penis.  Child protective services should probably come take his penis away from him and give to a better home.

Charles Barkley is still an asshole

Even though the Blazers were pretty pathetic last night, I just want to go on record and say that Charles Barkley is still a worthless douche with Mount Everest for an ass. He still looks like Humpty Dumpty with down syndrome.  And he still sucks at life.

Charles Barkley is like Mr Potato head but fatter and more unattractive and a douche-bag

Hey Charles Barkley, nobody in Portland Oregon thinks that you will win at life, mostly because you have already lost.   You are completely underestimating how much Portland loves our Blazers which is pretty retarded considering Portland is pretty famous for it's fans.  Don't talk for us because for one thing you are a waste of space, and your wasting a lot of space because you have a huge ass. You look Mr Potato heads mentally retarded morbidly obese cousin.  Also if I was Taco Bell I would fire your ass, because you look like a big bucket of lard that has been molded into a loose interpretation of what the human body is supposed to look like.  If this is what happens when you eat Taco Bell count me out.   I would like to throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 1962 so I could show your parents what an asshole you turned out to be I mean they obviously know now, but I would like the opportunity to warn them before so they could go buy a pack of condoms. They probably just would have been turned of from sex/baby making period.   VROOM.

Welcome to Portland, home of Greg Oden's penis.

I know, I know, I seem to be obsessed with Greg Oden's enormous wiener.  Greg Oden's Gigantic Penis Is Also Healing Nicely - Greg Oden - Deadspin However to correct you it is not so much of an obsession as it is a fascination.  I mean the camera does add 10 pounds, but also this is a small picture, and I'm too scared to enlarge it.  Plus I'm about as mature as a 15 year old boy so I may slightly exaggerate the size of his penis (I said it was the size of my calf when really it is the size of my forearm) and every time Greg Oden is brought up I can not stop myself from a penis joke.  I'm not capable of such a thing.   Thank you Greg Oden for giving me a new hobby.  I would give you a hug but I don't want to be anywhere near that massive schlong of yours, unless there is a panic button nearby.  

Yep, I'm a big fat douche bag

I have been neglecting my blog......simply because I'm a douchebag, and I'm lazy. 

Jesus Christ......just......... Jesus Christ

Here is a picture of Lindsay Lohan http://dlisted.com/node/36434/images/spl164398_004.jpg looking like what I would imagine Wednesday Addams http://timtim.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/07/12/wed.jpg would look like if she lost her shit and went on a 5 day coke bender. At least when Amy Winehouse did this shit she was doing awesome things like saving children and throwing up on people, and Brittany shaved her head and beat the shit out of a car with an umbrella. Lindsay on the other hand….just plain boring. Pathetic.

J-Kwon is missing….I know I don’t care either

I just read that J-Kwon is missing and there is a whole website dedicated to finding him. WTF, I think we should be a little more worried about where Lil Jon is. (Yaay). I haven’t spotted Lil Jon in at least two years, and the Ying Yang twins are also missing. Why don’t they have a website? Skeet skeet mother-fuckers.

Naomi Campbell update

Remember how I said Naomi Campbell will play Mike Tyson punch out on your face…..well it turns out she used to date Mike Tyson…..so that explains a lot.

David Hasselhoff what are you up to??

I wish David Hasselhoff would do something awesome so I could blog about him....I can't wait for his reality TV show.

OMG Jesus answered my prayers and found Lil Jon

Lil Jon is alive….sort of….. He was just spotted partying with Scott Disick (you know the extremely unattractive extremely douchy dude that may or may not have impregnated Kourtney Kardashian). I’m gonna have to assume that he has been holding Lil Jon captive and brainwashing him for quite some time. Lil Jon if you are hanging out with him voluntarily, you’re dead to me now. Scott Disick who are you, and what have you done with the Ying Yang Twins. You are ruining innocent lives, and vaginas. I hate you. Unless you can get Lil Jon to make a new album….I hate you.

Someday somebody's gonna make you wanna turn around and say goodbye

Chynna Phillips and Billy Baldwin are denying rumors that they are getting a divorce. I had not idea that they were even married so.......basically nobody cares. 

Naomi Campbell will play Mike Tyson punch out with your face

Part of the job description for anyone that Naomi Campbell hires should be human punching bag, because instead of writing her employees up for mistakes made while on the job, it seems like she will just fly off of the handle and beat the f*ck out of you.  Her driver is alleging that she punched him in the face and then proceded to flee the scene of the crime.  Looks like it's gonna be back to picking up garbage for her. 

Katherine Jackson likes to shoot Blanket with a stun gun for entertainment

JUST KIDDING!  According to Katherine this is just a “misunderstanding”, the kids were playing with a stun gun but they were only shooting paper, it was just kids being kids, no need to over react. I mean sure trained law enforcement officers use a taser gun as a last resort before actually using deadly force, but I’m sure her kids are very mature for their age so I’m sure that there is a perfectly logical explanation for them playing with a stun gun. LA Children and Family services are currently investigating the incident, and also have confiscated the stun gun…..party poopers.

Lindsay Lohan must be high on life....and by life I mean crack cocaine

Lindsay Lohan must still be smoking crack because she thinks that writing a book about her life is a good idea. So she is obviously delusional.  First of all I’m pretty sure that writing a book about her life will implicate her in several crimes, such as hit and run, theft, and possible some felony drug charges…oh and let’s not forget domestic violence and stalking and breaking and entering, and aside from that I am not confident that Lindsay Lohan even knows how to write. So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this is not a great idea Lindsay.  I think your best career move at this point would be to dial up Dr. Drew and try to get on Celebrity Rehab, but that is just my opinion. 

Katie Holmes is getting her robot uterus ready for another alien baby

Katie Holmes is getting some weird procedure done at the scientology center for crazy people because Tom Cruise turned her into a robot and she has to do whatever he programs her to do. She’s like a real live walking talking blow up doll.  On a sidenote, Suri is really adorable, so even though she is most likely an alien, I'm cool with her.  I hope she has some really awesome super power that she can use to beat Maddox's little ninja ass. 

Real Housewife Kim Zolciak is a lesbo

Kim Zolciak the disgusting wig wearing chain-smoking gold digging pig, (remember she is the one that wanted a record deal but sounded like an animal that was being tortured when she tried to sing) from the completely trashy Atlanta Housewives cast is so desperate to be famous that she is pretending to be a lesbian this season, and sucking all of the money out of some really rich and famous lady DJ......ummmm...that is so last year...Lindsay Lohan already cornered the crazy fake lesbian psycho market, and she even went the extra mile and became a crack whore so you are gonna have to try a little harder, this is just pathetic.

Kate Gosslins kids should just emanicpate themselves or get an ape to take care of them

Kate Gosslin is gonna spend her time dancing on dancing with the stars instead of taking care of the 20 f~ing kids that she decided to have with that douchebag Jon Gosslin. (sidenote: I don't know how to spell their last name, and I don't care).  So basically I hope that she just leaves the kids at home alone because even being usupervised is a better options then leaving them in the care of the dumbass Jon. In fact I think these kids would have a better chance of becoming productive members of society if they just got emancipated and started taking care of themselves.   

You can bedazzle your vagina now.....Suh-weet

I don't know if I even need to add anything to the statement you can bedazzle your vagina.  Ladies now you can light up the run way on that landing strip. Classy.

Really homeless guy......go f*ck yourself

When I woke up this morning I did feel like P. Diddy, and then I went to Whole Foods to get my delicious Kombucha ( a tasty little drink that has over a billion live organisms in it...mmmm....mmmm good).  There is this little old homeless guy that is normally a permanent fixture outside of Whole Foods, and generally I am not a big fan of homeless people, but this guy doesn't bother anyone he just sits there and if you give him money he is appreciative and if you don't you don't.  He doesn't even ask for money.  I have gotten to know this guy and he is a vet who fought for our country and now is just not a functioning member of society.  It's really kind of sad that this is what his life has come to.  So every Tuesday and Thursday I buy him breakfast.  So last week this new bum starts hanging around.  Old bum, harmless old and frail, new bum, looks like Rick Fox.  So the old bum was scared because the new bum wanted to take over his corner (sadly I have been buying the old bum breakfast for about 6 months now and I just realized I don't have a clue what his name is).  So now the new Rick Fox bum has chased the old bum away.  New Rick Fox bum has alot of nerve.  So I get to Whole Foods today, and he actually tells me to go to The Mezz (the coffee shop above Whole Foods).  Excuse me, no.  So I ignore him and go get my Kombucha, and then I come out and Rick Fox bum goes, "Can I at least have some change" with total attitude.  I continue to ignore him and then he gets really bold and says "Oh so you can carry around a Louis Vuitton bag and drive a fancy car but you can't even give me some change rich bitch".......seriously dude, guess what I have this thing called a JOB, so you should either try that or you should go fuck yourself.  I would like to sit around on my fat lazy ass and have people pay for all of my shit too, but guess what the world just doesn't work that way.  I realized a long time ago that I would need a real job to afford the kind of lifestyle that I want.  I really wanted to kick that bums ass but he was seriously like 6'6 and probably had a good 150 on me.  Also while I'm on the subject Mr. Rick Fox bum, let me tell you why I have a problem with you other than your piss poor attitude.  I do not believe that you are a bum.  Your hair was gelled, you were wearing decent clothes, you are very clean, and I snuck a peak at your kicks, and those Nikes that you are sporting look a little too white.  If you really want people to feel sorry for you, maybe you should not fix your hair in the morning, go to the Salvation Army for some more raggity clothes, take of those bright white kicks and not shower for a few days. Oh ya...and put your attitude in check....  From now on I am only giving stuff to my favorite bum if he returns, or if I really want to know that I am actually doing something for the homeless and not just paying some lazy fuckers mortgage, I will donate to a charity where I actually know that my money is going to help actual homeless people and not scam artists.  And on a sidenote to all of the scam artists who pretend to be homeless.....seriously where is your pride you lazy bastards.  Karma is a bitch I hope all of you posers actually do end up homeless so you can see how shitty it is.

Thanks for nothing India.....

Do you know what would be really super.....if you are gonna outsource your customer service and tech support to India, it would be fucking fantastic if you would at least make sure that they knew what they were talking about.  Since from here in America when I am routed to India to ask a simple question, I am already at the disadvantage of having to A) understand what the hell they are saying through the ridiculously thick accents, and B) try to ignore the echo in the background caused by the shitty phone connection.  I have no problem with people from India, I really don't, it's just that I would appreciate being able to have a clear understanding of what I am being told.  I just spent hours over a couple of days trying to have someone from India fix my anti-virus, and guess what, it was a big f~ing waste of my time.  I ended up fixing it myself after realizing that your "tech support" was a big sham.  So I'm not naming any names anti-virus software company that rhymes with Horton's, but just so you know, I too would like to only pay my customer service associates .25 cents an hour.  That would be great and it would probably save me an assload of money, however I don't do that because I don't want my customers to feel like trying to drown themselves in their Starbucks latte after calling in with a simple question.  So in conclusion, can you please at least make sure your tech support people have actually used a computer, and then teach them some of the common known issues with your product.  That would be great.  Oh and PS....when your so called "tech support" does nothing to fix my issue, please refrain from having them send me like 19 surveys to fill out on how their service was.....cause it SUCKED.

J-Wowws huge boobs are making it impossible for her to think realistically

Jenni 'J-Woww' from Jersey Shore wants Kim Kardashian to be on season 2 of Jersey Shore.  Okay, so I think everyone knows that I have a place in my heart for people so douchy that they become awesome, (some examples of this would be: Aaron Carter, David Hasselhoff and the entire cast of Jersey Shores), but let's just come back to planet earth J-Woww.  Move your giant knockers out of the way so you can see the TV and just watch season 1 of Jersey Shore.  I really don't foresee Kim K in your future.  A more realistic person who might want to come hang with you crazy bastards....Tila Tequila (as in I would need several shots of tequila (or a ruphelin)  to overlook the fact that she is  most likely a walking talking STD just waiting to destroy any vagina/penis and life that will look her way).....or if you want someone awesome, and (way) less gross I am available.  Also just so that you know.....you guys are way to awesome for Tila Tequila....so I hope you don't get sucked into her venus fly trap of a vagina. 

I'm after revenge...sweet sweet revenge.....

This post is basically just a warning to the spider that bit me while I was sleeping last night.  It was completely rude and unacceptable that you would bite me when you are living in MY house, paying no rent, sleeping in my bed, and invading my space.  When I didn't realize that you were there, things were fine.  However, now that you have decided to violently attack me, I have no choice but to retaliate.  You better call in some reinforcements because I will hunt you down and kill you.  If I am successful at locating your whereabouts, even if you beg for your life, the assualt I launch on you will be merciless.  My methods of assault will include but not be limited to the following: drowning via the washer and dryer, smashing via tiolet paper followed by drowning via the tiolet, or a terrible beating with the nearest shoe.  If you should escape with your life please vacate my home immediately and do not come back.  Thanks....

Kevin Federline is a fat turd and when I say fat I mean FAT

So I have started watching Celebrity Fat Club today, and first of all I have a real problem with the name of this show. The cast of fat turds includes some old dude from skid row, some fat chick from High School Musical, Some fat gay bastard from Project Runway or something like that, Tanisha the big fat whale from Bad Girls Club, Bobby 'I'm not so skinny since I stopped smoking crack' Brown, some chunker butt from Baywatch, Kevin 'fatass' Federline and his ex wife Char Jackson. So 'celebrity' is basically a lie. "Fat washed up D list celebrities that got really fat" or "I was a loser and now I'm still a loser but also a big fat turd look at me" would be more realistic. So now that we have gotten that out of the way let's just jump right into K-Feds enormous ass. I have hated Kevin Federline for as long as I have known he was alive. So I didn't think that this would be any different, however when he introduced himself as Kevin "fatass" Federline, a scary thought flashed through my mind.....he may win me over at some point. If K-fat somehow turns everything he touches into garbage. Exhibit A: Char Jackson...they posted a picture of her on the show from back in the day...and she was one hot piece of ass......then K-fat happened. Exhibit B: Brittany Spears.....I don't even have to elaborate he literally made her into the queen of trailer trash. Can someone tell me how his retarded sperm is actually capable of impregnating everything it touches. It seems like the sperm would just drooling and swimming in a circle confused, but how is somehow finding its way to and fertalizing eggs is evolution beyond my understanding. Also can I just point out to Kevin and Brittany that two wrongs generally don't make a right...and while a small miracle could occur and one of your children might end up normal.......I wouldn't count on it (it's okay, I doubt either one of you can actually count anyways so forget I mentioned it). So heres to K-fed (that fat lazy bastard) and his retarded but determined sperm winning me over.

Just a quick thought

Do you think that if Lindsay Lohan died and her body was cremated instead of ashes you would get cocaine?

Please wash your hands after using the restroom....thanks

So just in case you didn't know that it's disgusting when you don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom, I am here to tell you that it is completely unacceptable. First of all lets start with the fact that you wipe your ass, and granted you are not wiping your ass with your hands (I hope) however, your hands are still in close proximity your ass, and your lady parts, and if you are a guy you are either wiping your ass or actually touching your junk. Another thing to think about....whose ass was on that toilet before you? You have no idea, who they were, what they were up to, or where they have been with that ass. Now if you are like me you flush the toilet with your foot, however if you are not like me you touch the flusher which has had way to many other ass hands touching it. Then the ass hand touches the slidy thing that locks the door (or if you are like me you use a piece of toilet paper). Now here is where things can go badly awry. If you walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands, you are a disgusting turdface, and you have feces on your hands, so when you grab onto that sandwich to take a bite, remember you are literally eating a shit sandwich. Now, lets bring up a couple more things that happen, Bobby Turdface didn't wash their hands, so now there disgusting poop covered ass hand touches the door handled and leaves. This is why I reccomend a couple of things. Wash your hands in hot water (scalding if you can handle it) use soap, and really scrub, then grab a paper towel and turn off the sink (remember several ass hands have touched the handle while in the process of washing their hands, so if you touch it again with your hand, you have asshand again.) Then use the papertowel to open the door that Bobby turdface and his unwashed asshand have touched. If there is a nearby garbage can and you can prop the door open by only holding it with your foot, throw your papertowel in that garbage can, if there is not a garbage can near the door feel free to throw your papertowel on the ground as the management of that facility needs to be educated on how not to spread ass hand and should put a garbage can nearby. Now you have made it out of the bathroom asshand free. Congratulations.

Spencer Pratt wants to look like a halloween costume too

Spencer Pratt might be blind, so if your an eye doctor please send him some glasses. Apparently after seeing Hiedi's transformation into a blow up doll, he wants to get some work done himself. I thought you had your douchiness tapped out but somehow you managed to dig deep and find more.

If anyone wants to know what herpes looks like your in luck

In case you missed sex ed in the 7th grade, and you want to know what herpes looks like, Paris Hilton has been exposing her vagina non-stop. So I'm pretty sure that it probably just looks like one giant herpe by now considering I can't even count the number of guys that she has(n't) banged. Although according to her the number is like 2 or 5. I think she is missing a couple of zeros on the end of those numbers.

Tiger Woods you did forget someone in your apology

So, allegedly a number of the hoochies on the laundry list of skanks that Tiger Woods has banged are upset because he didn't include them in the fake apology that was aired on tv. Honestly I am a little confused about what exactley they would like him to apologize for. I'm pretty sure that most of the ladies were paid prostitutes....and for the one (maybe two at max) that were not hookers....you know you were high fiving the shit out of yourself after you started banging Tiger Woods. It was probably the best thing that has ever happened to you in your entire life. Oh wait...you didn't know he was married right??? You really expect the world to believe that you fame sucking bimbo's had no clue.....come on, you banged him, you high fived yourself because you thought you hit the jackpot, and then you probably went home and googled him. Tiger Woods, the only thing you forgot in your fake apology was your penis. You owe your penis a huge apology, I have seen what you have put him through and in. I hope in sex rehab they are dedicating a therapist to your penis so that he has some support and can get over some of the disgusting things you have put him through. Your penis is the real victim in all of this.

Welcome

I don't really know who I am welcoming since my only followers will probably be my mom and my best pal....but if you are following welcome to my blog which will consist of my opinion on lots of useless information that has no substance. I hope you enjoy.